In the past few days I have experienced many things I hadn’t in years since I started feeling depressed such as joy, interest, wanting to socialize, and hope for my future.
I actually made plans to go out to lunch with a friend and stuck to my plans. I picked up my guitar and started practicing for the sake of practicing. I’m halfway through a book that is about stoicism. I’m even able to be less reactive when my loved ones say something that would usually get a reaction out of me. I’m beginning to be interested in what I eat. And it’s all thanks to my Ketamine treatments. I could barely get out of bed prior to my treatments. It’s hard to explain why you don’t feel interested or find pleasure in things you once used to when you have treatment resistant depression.
The lozenges have helped my mind quiet down tremendously. And I’m becoming more self aware. I became self aware that I hadn’t socialized outside of my immediate family for month.
I’m hoping that these positive effects are here to stay and to become stronger as time goes on. It feels like a breath of fresh air!!
If you or anyone you know is considering the treatment I highly recommend watching the video below. No, he is not my doctor. But he has some very great info:
To go further on what I discussed in my last post…Tonight I was reading one of my favorite author’s interview and the following really stood out to me. Ever since I started my treatment I am more and more sure of this happening ( yes I’m totally aware how crazy that sounds but it’s not me ):
Ps: read the power of now if you haven’t by Eckhart Tolle!
“OM: Do you believe that humanity is ready for this transformation?
Tolle: Yes. I see signs that it is already happening. For the first time there is a large scale awakening on our planet. Why now? Because if there is no change in human consciousness now, we will destroy ourselves and perhaps the planet. The insanity of the collective egoic mind, amplified by science and technology, is rapidly taking our species to the brink of disaster. Evolve or die: that is our only choice now. Without considering the Eastern world, my estimate is that at this time about ten percent of people in North America are already awakening. That makes thirty million Americans alone, and in addition to those people in other North American countries, about ten percent of the population of Western European countries are also awakening. This is probably enough of a critical mass to bring about a new earth. So the transformation of consciousness is truly happening even though they won’t be reporting it on tonight’s news. Is it happening fast enough? I am hopeful about humanity’s future, much more so now than when I wrote The Power of Now. In fact that is why I wrote that book. I really wasn’t sure that humanity was going to survive. Now I feel differently. I see many reasons to be hopeful.”
Here is the full link to the article https://www.eckharttollenow.com/article/Awakening-Your-Spiritual-Lifes-Purpose
I believe for the first time in 8 years of dealing with my treatment resistant depression I finally have some clarity as to how I ended up this way. I was reading a blog from GetWellSoon about how corporate life is causing him to feel as though he doesn’t belong to that environment and it reminded me of myself when I first went into the corporate world.
I had been working as an accountant since I was 19 years old through out college at a small friendly office. After I graduated from college I excitedly got a corporate accounting job in the public sector . It didn’t take long for me feel paralyzed from depression and anxiety. But I kept going. I changed jobs and went into private accounting. My depression got worse. I started my own company and took a small break until being sucked back into another corporate job. I was making 6 figures by this time. I should have been happy. My parents believed I should be happy. But I wasn’t. My depression and anxiety became more severe during this time. I’m now 32 and have been disabled temporarily as the result of pushing myself in doing something I did not like. I feel tremendous guilt every single day for being unhappy.
I have a few theories as to why not only I but others are starting to feel this way. One, our corporate world and that time is money. Two, are not meant to be stuck in front of computers for 8 to 12 and sometimes even more on other days. Three, social media. Four, our political climate.
We see constant messages on social media that tell us we should be happy with our economic success. I got off of social media because I was sick of seeing messages about boss ladies and grinding. Simultaneously, the political negativity going on around us is overwhelming. We wake up to negative news every day! Today’s is about how the USA wants to start a war with Iran to protect our freedoms in the Persian Gulf. Why are our freedoms over there? ( I could write a whole post about this – I’ll stop here so I won’t get carried away )
I’m seeing more posts of people agreeing that we are on the brink of something. It may be Armageddon or a collective consciousness revolution. I have to agree because I have certainly noticed a rise in people seeking treatment for their mental illness while our homeless population is on the rise tremendously as a result of addiction or untreated mental illnesses.
It’s hard pretending like we are satisfied working jobs that suck our souls out. There are certainly people who love their jobs and are very proud of their business accomplishments. The contrast which is on display on social media causes our mental torn-moil for those of us who are unhappy.
I often wondered why can not just ” plunge into change” and become one with it as my favorite philosopher Allan Watts suggests. However, then I remember the following quote from Jidda Krishnamaturi which makes me feel confident that our mental illnesses are a result of unrealistic expectations from us and not the latter:
” It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society ”
So if you are feeling this way please know you are not alone and two GET OFF SOCIAL MEDIA!
I’ve noticed a couple of things happen during the past few days. One, I realized I’ve had a problem with concentration that has been hindering me to do my work for a long time. I have never accepted it for fully what it is: adhd. Unfortunately, the medications prescribed to me for adhd exasperated my depression symptoms once they were leaving my system. I’m talking about AWFUL crashes! And that’s with vyvanse and or adderall extended release.
I have to work to be able to afford my bills. So today I forced myself to sit in front of the computer for at least one of my clients. I do accounting. Currently I don’t have many clients since I’ve been having to deal with my depression.
I think it’s important for me to notice how relieved I feel at the moment having done the work for only one of my clients. Maybe people dealing with adhd need to do work for short amounts of periods. Maybe this is the beginning of me being able to work for longer hours.
Two, I’ve been feeling that I can’t contain my thoughts that bother me for too long inside if they involve someone else. I don’t know if this is going to be an issue or if it’s something healthy. For example, last night I finally told my husband how he makes me feel about a certain problem in our lives. I felt lighter after but it made him upset. Hence, why I wonder if this is healthy or not. Not just for me but those surrounding me.
My depression has been under control. Which makes me both happy and feel at unease: what do I do now that my depression is gone. What do I make out of this energy. Can I use it to be productive ? Or creative ? Or just be…. I’m still figuring this out. I’m hoping I will have more confident answers in the coming days.
Another question that keeps arising in my mind is whether what happens during the lozenge experience matters or if it’s just what happens after chemically in my brain. I have reached out to a few psychedelic therapists but unfortunately they do not take insurance and at the moment I need to watch for my finances.
We shall see…
So when I started my treatment with lozenges I was running out of my ssri which my insurance said they would not cover ( yay for the health insurance system in the USA .) so I did a slow taper as I felt confident that the ketamine lozenges were doing the trick. WRONG! I also ran out of my clonazepam. And was feeling very happy until yesterday I felt like my anxiety was on a downward spiral until this morning had full on anxiety attacks that had me paralyzed in bed under the covers.
Today I got my refills and back to normal I am. My mood is back to ok as well. And I haven’t taken my ketamine troche today yet. So I highly recommend that you don’t stop your meds unless you consult both your psychiatrist and the person/clinic prescribing the lozenges.
I will update later today after I take my dose and I feel clear headed.
As a side note: I also deleted/deactivated my Facebook and Instagrams as I was on them scrolling mind numbingly trying to escape my anxiety when I had a full blown attack. I hope I can stay off for good. I believe they are causing a lot of mental illnesses these days. Ive noticed so many people losing their minds openly on these platforms. Scary times.
I am here to keep a journal of what 30 days of ketamine lozenges will do for my depression. I have been battling depression and anxiety for the past 8 years or so. Almost my entire adult life. I’m 32 years old and female.
I can not tell what the reason behind my depression is. I had a very rough up bringing so there is that… and then around my menstruation I always become more depressed and anxious.
I’ve been prescribed 150 mg of ketamine lozenges to help with that. I’m supposed to take it at night in a similar environment as the ketamine clinics.
I first started ketamine treatments October of last year. I was very busy at the time. I had a new born and was busy being a full time worker. And recently I went back to get a booster because I let myself slip back into my depressive mode… I had some suicidal ideations the day I went back to get my booster. The booster helped with that. And the doctor prescribed the lozenges to hopefully keep me balanced.
I have actually felt pretty ok and sometimes even great which is a rarity for me.
Today is my 7th day. I felt my depression trying to creep back. I was feeling very down and anxious prior to taking my dose today and it seems to still be here after I have taken it but not during.
I’ve been listening to constant Allan Watts YouTube videos while on ketamine. I seem to really like his talks. They make my mind more calm. It’s like he is speaking directly to my soul. I do not know why. Nothing sticks with me after each one of his podcast sessions. But I feel so much lighter after I listen to him.
I’m going to try to drop a few lines each day. To keep track of my moods and whether the ketamine helps.
Mostly my problem stems from not being able to be in the moment and the lack of pleasure in any thing I do.
I am about to get my menstrual cycle tomorrow. So I wonder if my anxiety is just part of my messed up hormones as I’m listening to Allan Watts….
” what you are aware of is the state of your nervous system and nothing else “